Inkspiredwrite

Grey Coat

 

The song was melancholy; she liked it. Her mother would not increase the volume, though she’d asked several times now. Their moving day was last week. Susanna did not understand why they hadn’t gone when they were supposed to. She couldn’t remember anything. She knew only that the newspaper told her that today was a whole week later than it had been. It wasn’t surprising though, she mused, that she felt this way. Ever since that day…everything had been moving in slow motion, painful, a blur. She had left the local school, tried to sleep the days away.

 

Once again she asked for more volume. Once again her mother did not respond, did not even bother to sigh in annoyance. Susanna chewed at the inside of her mouth in thought. They were following her father’s car; the removal van was behind them and they were on a busy motorway. That must be the reason then, she told herself, that her mother was not responding – she was concentrating. But something told her it wasn’t that. And she couldn’t bring herself to speak again for the rest of the journey.

 

The car was heavy with their belongings. It must be hard to drive with all the clutter blocking the back window, and that clutter was Susanna’s fault. She had insisted on digging the old toys and games back out of the skip and bringing them with her. So yes, it was better they drove in silence rather than be shouted at for overfilling the car. Anthony, a brown teddy bear given to her by her Grandfather, stared out at the road behind them with his one remaining glass eye, his body pressed up against the back window above a mess of scrabble and monopoly boards and scratched plastic dolls.

 

Grass waved at Susannah from the banks as they skimmed the outside lane. When she leaned her head far enough out from the window she could see the morning water glisten on single blades and she noticed how the tarmac seemed to run along with the car. She watched the streets and hills and towns and carriageways and imagined who was there and why, what they did, whether they’d like her if they ever met her. Finally there were only hills and streets and sometimes parks or lakes. The roads were smaller with less cars. And then the city was behind them.

 

Susannah fingered loose black tendrils that had fallen from her hair band. The wind had picked up as they slowed and rounded the edge of the common. Two oaks planted parallel towered over their driveway. The tyres crunched on gravel as they pulled to a stop. She liked the crunching noise and the trees. She liked the cottage. She had never seen it before now, having refused to go with her parents each time they asked. Her mother pulled the keys out of the ignition and rested her head back against the headrest, eyes closed. She was silent. Susanna was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Her mother had never just not spoken to her before, not for a whole long car journey, and now she didn’t even speak to her when they’d arrived. A fear of abandonment flared up in her chest, quickly followed by anger. Fine, she thought, be like that. And she moved to get out of the car.

 

She took in the sight of her new home and walked across to the front door. She was about to push it open, go inside to see her father who had already arrived and begun unloading his car, when the door opened before her and her father strode out carrying a chair above his head. He walked straight past her, his view obstructed by the square of polished wood that was the chair’s base.

 

‘This was left here, it’s broken, I’ll stick it outside for now so we can get everything moved in’ he called to her mother. She watched as her mother nodded and began pulling things from the boot.

 

She was about to turn and go inside to have a look around the place when she felt…odd. Susanna spun around. Ten eyes were peering at her intently. They seemed interested and.. impatient. Susannah felt suddenly as if she was naked, standing there before them. She shivered, despite the warmth of the day. Though she managed to smile in acknowledgement, the smile was tight, didn’t seem to fit her face properly... something just felt …wrong. Her chest was uncomfortable in a tight, 'no breath' kind of way.

 

The woman, who owned two of the ten eyes, was elderly. Her dogs were foxhounds.

 

‘Hello.’ The woman’s eyes crinkled in what Susannah assumed to be friendliness but couldn’t be sure. The citron voice grated. The dogs sat around her feet and nudged the door open wider. Where had they sprung from?! She darted a look sideways as she saw her parents disappear around the back of the house, boxes in hands. ‘They like you.’ The crinkling eyes pierced her own as she stood there, mute. ‘This one’s Joni, this is Su, that’s Ink, and this is Sanders’ she said, gesturing to each dog in turn. Susannah swallowed, trying to get perspective, to work out what it was about this visitor that was getting to her so much. And what weird names were those for dogs?

  

‘M-my parents are unpacking, I’d better go and help.’ She heard the words as they left her but couldn’t move or smile anymore. The crinkles unfolded themselves on the woman’s face fleetingly and she turned to leave, the dogs following reluctantly behind her.

 

As soon as she was out of sight Susannah rushed inside and pushed the door closed behind her. She slumped to the floor, leaning back against the safety of the heavy wood, trying to slow the panic rising in her chest. She saw through the glass of the patio doors at the back of the house to where her mother and father were fussing over things they’d laid out on the lawn. She heard argument, about what to bring in first. Sighing, Susanna stood, and walked towards the staircase. She would go and inspect the bedrooms, decide which one she wanted.

 

Before she’d reached the first step, however, she felt herself grow suddenly weary. Reaching out for the banister, she lowered herself down to sit. She stared at the wood floorboards beneath her feet and felt comforted by them somehow. Then she looked up.

 

Susanna knew it was going to happen. She didn’t know why, or how, she knew. She just knew. And when it did happen, when the dark polished beams and white pebbledash of the ceiling came falling down toward her, she forced herself to keep watching, not to move, though she was shaking. The space around her seemed to close in, becoming darker with every second, and then it was crushing her until she sort of drifted away from herself like dust off a beaten rug. Susannah felt her body temperature cool until her teeth began chattering, the sensation of melting ice sliding against her skin though nothing of the kind was happening. And then there she was – herself - gazing back into her eyes. Only this version of herself was different. This Susanna wore her grey coat and the scarf her mother had thrown away just days earlier. As she continued to watch, the image began to fade and swim like disturbed water.

 

***

 

‘Shhh, stop thudding. You should have waited to put on your shoes, silly. Here – put on your coat or you’ll catch cold when we get outside.’ The boy was round eyed with excitement as he tried hard to be quieter. He grinned up at his sister;

 

“shhh’ he repeated after her, and she bit her lip to stop from laughing.

 

***

 

She woke slowly to an aching in her back. Licking her lips, she turned her head to the side. The staircase spiralled up from where she lay. Susanna realised she was lying on the hard wood of the floorboards. Reaching with her fingers, she pressed their tips to the floor and heaved herself up to sitting position. The room swam momentarily. Squinting, she saw the moonlight spilling in through the glass of the patio doors. She tried to remember passing out or whatever had happened, but couldn’t. Then the girl that looked just like her, but wearing her grey coat and that scarf, filled her mind; she shivered involuntarily. Susanna pulled her arms around herself and buried her face into her chest. And then she was crying. Crying and crying, then choking on those tears. What kind of nightmare was that? She’d had plenty of nightmares, since….it happened. But none like that. And how could her parents have just left her on the floor and gone to bed? But of course, she knew why - it was because of it happening – because of Tim.

 

***

 

‘Susanna.’ Her father’s eyes were directly in front of her own, looking at her from their crouched position as she lifted her head to meet his gaze. ‘What happened out here?’ Susanna swallowed. What had happened? Lights and sirens enlivened the bleak scene and she tried to think but found her brain fuzzy. The cooling evening air stung her tear-sodden cheeks. ‘Here, let me help you.’ Susanna’s father wiped gently at her face, then held both her hands, his eyes on hers again, pleading with her, desperate, tears forming for her…for Tim...for them all. She found herself shaking her head, slowly, side to side. She couldn’t speak; she opened her mouth but her lips were dry, her voice would not come. She was shaking now. Her father fastened her coat and wrapped her scarf tightly about her neck.

 

***

 

Standing, Suzanna moved tentatively, testing out her legs. She felt so tired. But they carried her. Susanna frowned. She realised she’d eaten nothing. She wasn’t hungry, though, but still. A crawling began along her spine as she considered how much her parents had neglected her. They must really hate me. Longing for their comfort, she began to walk up the staircase. I’ll find them in one of the rooms, wake them, she thought. Susanna needed to talk to them, to say she was sorry. Just then, a hissing sound broke through her thoughts and she looked around her, still holding the banister. As she continued to listen she made out voices…whispers maybe, not hissing after all then.. but she couldn’t make out where they were coming from. Holding her breath, she closed her eyes, trained her ears as best she could to sense where the sound originated.. a tingling sensation overtook her and she opened her eyes. They were there. Turning her head sharply to the left, Susanna looked across to the latticed window close to the front door, and there they were. Ten eyes staring at her. There were no crinkles, no desire to be met, this time. They were focused. And they were cold.

 

***

 

Tim’s hair was damp from the grass where he’d fallen. His skin didn’t look human anymore, it was too dry, too white, too grey. Susanna remembered the plaster of paris rabbit she had made from a mold at school. Her father’s arm was warm around her. Her body shook in its grip for he was shaking too, as they carried her brother away. They had been playing in the park earlier in the day. Their parents had been with them. It had been a normal weekend afternoon. They had gone home, gone through the motions of dinnertime, tv time, teeth cleaning time, before bed. It had been Tim’s idea, to creep back out to play. The park was just round the corner from their house. They hadn’t been able to use the see-saw that day – too many other children had been hogging it. Tim had just wanted a go on it…just quickly. Susanna felt herself crumble within her father’s grip. I am older. I should have known better.

 

***

 

‘Mum! Dad!’ Susanna heard her voice before she realised she was using it, her screams curling up the stairs, and she forced her still weak legs to carry her quickly up each step until she was at the top and bursting through the first door she found. Her father sat up abruptly, his shadow looming large in the light from the uncurtained window. He snapped on the small lamp that stood beside the bed. The room was bare but for the bed, lamp, and a mound of unpacked boxes in the far corner. Susanna waited for her breathing to slow and moved toward her father, who was staring straight at her. ‘Dad, I-’

 

‘Susanna.’ Her father spoke her name quietly, bowed his head, and began to sob. Confusion and pain mingled in Susanna’s chest and she walked around the bed to where he was bent and sobbing, one hand behind his head, one before him on the duvet. She sat gingerly beside him, put her arm around him, and placed her right hand over his. That’s when she noticed some of her toys placed on the floor beside the bed. Why had her father been looking at her toys? They stayed like that, unmoving, without speaking. Susanna sighed. She had put them through enough, she decided. She would leave. For he must have been remembering how she was, a good girl, before she was naughty and took Tim out to play without permission. Gently, she left the bed, and watched quietly as her father lay back down to sleep.

 

***

 

‘Someone came. I couldn’t s-see the f-face. There were d-dogs. They were all d-dark.’ Susanna’s sobs wrenched through her body as her father’s own joined them, though he held her tight all the while. The policemen that stood before her looked at her with a mixture of pity and fatigue. She looked up at her father’s face, focused on his features through her tears, and her heart broke to see his pain.

           

‘OK. Can you tell us what happened next, love?’ asked the most tired looking of the men. Susanna cleared her throat, wiped at her running nose, before answering.

           

‘They p-picked him up, Tim, they p-picked him u-up. Then sort of th-threw him d-down.’ The man looked perplexed. The policemen gestured to her father, who released his hold on her and stood to speak with them. Their voices were hushed and strained. Susanna felt cold where her father’s arm had left her. Sniffing, she played it over and over again in her mind. She saw Tim’s face as they threw him down, how it paled as he fell, before he even touched the ground..

 

The funeral was held in the small church close to the park. They were supposed to have moved house already. They would go soon, start over, with their one remaining child. Susanna seemed unable to accept the move since it happened, however. She had grown solemn and defiant. They knew their daughter felt responsible, no matter how they reassured her she was not. The day before the move was tense. Susanna threw every toy, everything she’d ever cared about, into the skip. They were memories of playing with her brother that hurt her when she saw them. She pulled them all back out though, after crying hysterically for hours on the pavement, realising she was unable to part with them. The teddy bear her grandfather had bought her had lost an eye. Dirt and a bent nail gripped at the soft fur in the indent it had left. She had rushed inside to clean him, come hurtling down the stairs again - they were already so late leaving. The fall…it was instant.

 

***

 

Susanna opened the front door. Ten eyes bored into her like drilling wasps and she felt the scream curdling her insides before it reached her throat and erupted ugly, loud, and terrified. Nothing happened. Heart hammering through her chest, Susanna turned and screamed out for help but no answer came. She closed her eyes, accepting the nightmare that was unfolding.

 

‘It was you.’ The old woman nodded slowly, stepped forward, reached out her hand.